80% of the US population drinks at least occasionally and 60% drinks regularly. There’s nothing wrong with casual and moderate drinking but it can be a problem for anyone who’s recently sober. Even if you’ve been sober over a year, introducing someone who drinks into your life can be a shock. And not being able to fit into their lifestyle can cause friction and stress.
While it’s not always a bad call to date someone who isn’t sober, it will definitely bring new challenges. Those can impact your sobriety, your habits and your self-care. Here’s where you need to be aware of those challenges so you can make the right decisions about dating someone who isn’t sober.
If your partner drinks then they will drink with friends and family. That means you’ll either have to expose yourself to alcohol to spend time with those people or you’ll have to miss out. If you’re still avoiding exposure to alcohol that means you’ll have to cut yourself out of a big chunk of your partner’s life.
For example your partner may have no problem avoiding drinking when they’re at your house or when you’re at theirs but they’ll probably feel differently when they’re out with friends who are all drinking. That means tasting and smelling alcohol when you kiss, being around people drinking all night and simply cutting yourself out of part of that person’s life. None of those scenarios are ideal.
Of course this isn’t impossible. If you can say no, if you’re not triggered by the smell or taste of alcohol or if you don’t mind sitting out a lot of events you may be able to make it work.
But if they expect you to drink that’s a different story. Many people associate drinking with romance and will be upset if you won’t share champagne, wine or other drinks with them. But if they expect you to drink or feel like you should be fitting in with them more – it’s a sign the relationship won’t work.
If you’re dating someone who isn’t sober you’ll need to explicitly discuss and set boundaries around what you are and aren’t comfortable with. That means disclosing your history of alcohol abuse and your need to stay sober will be more important. But it will also put demands on an early relationship that will strain the relationship.
But you should set boundaries with any relationship. The fact they are around alcohol shouldn’t matter if the relationship is healthy. Setting boundaries is normal. The key is to do it in a way that’s respectful to both sides and a conversation.
I won’t drink and I don’t want to be pressured into drinking or asked to drink. My sobriety is important to me and it’s important to me that my sobriety is important to my partner.
I’m uncomfortable around alcohol. I don’t mind if you drink but I’d like you to do it when I’m not around. I’d also appreciate it if you could brush your teeth before you get home or spend time with me.
I have trouble saying no to alcohol. I expect that will change but for now if I’m offered alcohol and I’ve had a bad day I will drink it. I shouldn’t be. Please help me with this by keeping alcohol away from me.
You can share any kind of discomfort, problem or hard no in this way. Just make sure you share your problem and then ask for a compromise or workaround that helps you deal with it. Here it’s never okay to limit your partner’s behavior.
Asking them not to drink isn’t okay – unless they have alcohol use disorder themselves. But asking them not to drink around you is a much more reasonable request. You can then have a conversation about it, figure out how reasonable it is and move forward from there.
Your new partner may not understand addiction, its impact or how important recovery is to you. And the more important that person is to you the more important it is that you ask them to get it.
While you shouldn’t do that in the first few months of dating, having a partner who understands your disorder, what you’ve been through and the medical perspective of addiction is important.
That means asking them to read up on addiction, asking them to go to Al-Anon meetings, or bringing them as a guest when you go to speak at a self-help group. It means getting them involved in your ongoing treatment. All of that is a big ask of them and will create challenges.
People in recovery live very structured lives because it helps us stay sober. People who aren’t in recovery can be much less structured. With no bedtime, no daily exercise habits and no reason not to stay up drinking till the middle of the night – they may do all of those things. Most importantly in early relationships it’s very easy to allow spending time with that person to get in the way of you maintaining your own habits. That can cause you to crash and relapse – especially if the other person drinks.
Also your partner may not be able to adapt to the amount of planning it takes for you to do things around alcohol. If you have to sit down and think about what you’ll say and do if handed alcohol before you go to a party they may feel it’s a buzzkill. Lack of spontaneity is a problem for many people. But you can work around that by doing things spontaneously in alcohol free venues – they just have to get that.
Remember any dating in early recovery is super disruptive to your recovery. But dating after a year or more of recovery can be tough. That’s made even tougher if your new partner isn’t sober. And if you’re used to doing everything your new partner wants to do and spending time with them that disruption can cause you to relapse.
New relationships should involve structure, discussing expectations and deciding how and when you’ll see that person so you can maintain your own routines, habits and self-care. And if they drink at the same time you should have a conversation about your sobriety and how you can maintain it around them and how they can help you do so.
Asana Recovery offers detox, residential, and outpatient addiction treatment services at our center located in Orange County, California. Please contact us today to speak with one of our experienced addiction treatment team if you have any questions about our programs.
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