So you’ve been single for years, trolling through every online dating site and app known to man, weeding out people who lie about everything from their looks to their jobs to the fact that they’re already married. It can be a terrible slog, and you’ve probably considered throwing your phone across the room and deleting your profile more than once. Then the incredible happens – you meet someone who seems perfect for you. They’re just your type, well-employed, you share all the same interests. Maybe you make it through an amazing date or two. Then come the dreaded words, “There’s something I should tell you,” and it turns out that your new love interest has just finished treatment for a substance use disorder. It’s not so surprising, considering that one in ten Americans over the age of 12 are addicted to alcohol or drugs, but what do you do?
If you’ve dealt with addicts in the past, your first inclination might be to run for the hills. Having seen firsthand all of the struggles that can go along with getting clean, you may not be too eager to sign up for helping someone else through it or setting yourself up for possible heartbreak. There are people who manage to stay clean for 20 years and then suddenly have a relapse, so how can you let yourself get attached when there’s really no way of knowing what might happen in the future?
On the other hand, if you have no experience with addiction, you might start panicking about doing the right thing. You’re drinking a glass of wine in front of them – is that going to cause a relapse? Are you allowed to ask questions about how long they’ve been sober or what their triggers are? Should you be worried that they might turn violent or steal from you?
First of all, it’s completely your choice. Don’t feel guilty if it’s too much for you to deal with from someone you’ve only been on a couple dates with. You know yourself and what you can handle, and if you don’t think you have it in you to be patient or supportive, then it’s probably best that you do end things.
However, if you still want to give it a shot, keep in mind that most people who have gone through treatment and are in recovery are no strangers to therapy and talking about their feelings. It depends on the treatment facility, but if they’ve been through a good program, they’ve probably learned new life skills and coping mechanisms, and they might be even better at dealing with their emotions than the average person. Your best bet is if the person has at least a year of sobriety under their belt and is actively attending therapy or meetings. That way you can be sure that you aren’t just going to become a crutch. Also, do have that talk about triggers. Some people can handle watching you have a single drink just fine, but it might be too difficult for others. Communication is going to be even more important than in other relationships you might have had.
If you or a loved one need help with quitting drugs or alcohol, consider Asana Recovery. We offer medical detox, along with both residential and outpatient programs, and you’ll be supervised by a highly trained staff of medical professionals, counselors, and therapists. Call us any time at (949) 438-4504 to get started.
