How many times have you been discussing a friend (or even a complete stranger) with substance abuse problems and heard someone say, “I thought his parents raised him better than that,” or “I wonder where his parents went wrong?” This is true of all perceived shortcomings in life; someone drops out of school, we blame the parents, someone steals a car, we blame the parents, someone’s marriage falls apart, and we blame the parents. While it’s true that there are plenty of bad parents out there, and their influence plays a role in how their children turn out, once someone is an adult it’s time to start pointing the finger where it belongs.
It’s not only the judgment of outsiders. Parents tend to blame themselves for these things, too, as though they remain responsible for the actions of their adult children for their entire lives. Part of it might be embarrassment or shame because they believe (unfortunately, correctly, in some cases) that their friends or acquaintances are judging them. Mainly, though, too many parents think that it’s a sign of personal failure if their kids don’t turn out to be perfect.
The fact is that, as a parent, if you used drugs in front of your children, abused them physically or sexually, got into violent fights in front of them, or gave them their first taste of beer in a sippy cup, then fine, you can shoulder some of the blame. Otherwise, you have to understand that your child is an adult now and they are responsible for their actions.
You never know what drives someone to drink or do drugs. If you didn’t do any of these neglectful or abusive things to your child, their issue probably has nothing to do with you. They might have a mental health disorder or have gone through a tough time at work in their personal relationships. Maybe they were injured somehow and ended up hooked on prescription painkillers. These aren’t things that you can control.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your adult child is to let go of any guilt or blame. You can’t help someone else if you’re mired deep in your own issues. Consider checking out a support group for family members of addicts, such as Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. Of course, depending on the situation, you don’t have to help them at all. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but if your son or daughter is continually coming to you asking for money that you know will be used for drugs, or worse, if they’re stealing from you in order to sell your things for drug money, it might be time to cut them off. There comes the point where compassion and love mean saying no.
If you or a loved one need help with quitting drugs or alcohol, consider Asana Recovery. We offer medical detox, along with both residential and outpatient programs, and you’ll be supervised by a highly trained staff of medical professionals, counselors, and therapists. Call us any time at (949) 438-4504 to get started.
