If you suspect that your teenager is using drugs, your first instinct is probably going to be to confront them. You might angry, disappointed, confused, guilty, or some combination of all of those, and you’re probably not going to be thinking very logically. The first thing you need to do is take a moment to breathe and make a plan, rather than charging in and making things worse. Unfortunately, even if you do say all the right things, your child might still lie and deny that they’re using. Teens can be stubborn, and if they shut down and refuse to talk it can be like trying to hammer away at a brick wall. Luckily, there are some strategies you can use to try and get past that wall and open communication.
Try to get a step ahead and anticipate the lies your teen might tell you. For example, “I was just at my friend’s house” is a pretty common excuse, so you can call the parents of his friends and try to verify this. This is one reason it’s so important to know who your kid’s friends are.
Be firm, but at the same time remind your teen that you love him and will be there for him no matter what.
Don’t yell or be too confrontational. You don’t want to make it seem like it’s no big deal, but at the same time it’s harder to fight with someone who is sitting there calmly instead of shouting back. Kids are more likely to storm off if all you’re doing is arguing.
Talk about the value of telling the truth, but try not to come across like you’re preaching at him. Say that you want to trust him, but the more lies you catch him in the less you feel like you can give him the benefit of the doubt. You can make honestly sound like an admirable thing, rather than something for a “goody-two-shoes,” by talking about how it takes courage and makes a teen stand out from their peers.
Trust can be a big issue, especially if you’ve gone through his room or belongings to search for drugs. Don’t let him turn things around on you and accuse you of being in the wrong. Point out that it’s a serious issue and you were concerned about his health and safety, which is always going to trump privacy.
If you have proof that your teen is lying, such as that phone call with another parent, you can bring it up, but don’t use it to act like you’ve won the argument. Just lay it out there and say, “I know that’s not true; try again.”
You should have already outlined consequences for this kind of behavior when your teen was younger – follow through on them. If you haven’t, now is the time to clearly state what the consequences are this time and what they will be if it happens again.
Depending on the type and amount of the drug or alcohol used, you might want to go easy if it’s the first time. If a kid has taken one sip of beer, grounding them for a year might be a bit of a nuclear option. You could say “If you tell me the truth about what you did and who you did it with, I’ll let it go just this one time.” That way you’ll actually get some answers and can take some steps to prevent it from happening again. Still make sure you outline what the punishment for any future use will be.
If you or a loved one need help with quitting drugs or alcohol, consider Asana Recovery. We offer medical detox, along with both residential and outpatient programs, and you’ll be supervised by a highly trained staff of medical professionals, counselors, and therapists. Call us any time at (949) 438-4504 to get started.
