If your spouse or family member has a substance use disorder, there might come a point where you have to decide whether to put your foot down for their own good and yours. Sometimes you can try to years to help a person and only end up enabling them. Spouses frequently end up cover for an addict, calling off work for them with excuses about sickness, making up stories why they missed family events, or telling lies to children about why their parent has never come to a play or sporting event. You also may have found yourself picking up the slack when it comes to house cleaning and maintenance. Maybe it was always your husband’s job to take out the trash and do the dishes, but more and more often he’s either not home because he’s out doing or acquiring drugs, or he’s too high to do anything productive. By doing all these things, you’re hurting the both of you. Eventually, you’re going to break under the stress of doing the work of two people and covering for them all the time.
Sometimes the hardest and best thing you can do it to let someone go. If your own life or job are suffering, and especially if your children are suffering, it might be necessary to remove the addict from the equation. This isn’t to say you have to divorce and never see them again. Sometimes the act of kicking someone out of the house or telling them you want a break can be enough to make them realize they need help. You can always re-evaluate your relationship if they make it through recovery.
Addicts often blame other people for their problems. If they don’t want to accept that they need help, they might accuse you of abandoning them or not loving them anymore. If you aren’t a spouse but a friend or family member and the addict comes to you for help, you need to think carefully before you offer any. Are you only going to be continuing to enable them? You might not want your friend to end up on the streets, but what happens when you offer your couch for a weekend and they’re still there a month later? They might think there’s no need to move on and look for somewhere else as long as you’re taking care of them.
It can be easy to give in to guilt or soft-heartedness, but consider the effects to yourself. Does your friend or loved one frequently pass out or get so high that they have no idea of their surroundings? What if they decide to cook something while you’re at work and fall asleep on the couch, and the next thing you know you’re coming home to the fire department at your house. Don’t feel bad for putting yourself first. Sometimes the best thing for someone is a bit of tough love.
If you or a loved one need help with quitting drugs or alcohol, consider Asana Recovery. We offer medical detox, along with both residential and outpatient programs, and you’ll be supervised by a highly trained staff of medical professionals, counselors, and therapists. Call us any time at (949) 438-4504.
