Is there anything worse than unsolicited advice? Most of us have to deal with it throughout our entire lives, with parents, teachers, employers, friends, family members, and the occasional random stranger chiming in to tell us why whatever we’re doing is wrong and how they’d handle it in your shoes. One area where this can especially be a problem is when it comes to parenting advice. You’re feeding your baby a bottle and someone feels entitled to question you about why you aren’t breastfeeding, because “Don’t you know that’s what’s best for both of you?” Or your kid asks to color his hair blue, and you figure, why not? It’s just hair; it’ll grow out. Then everywhere you go there are horrified looks and people whispering behind their hands about why you’d let your child be so wild. When you’re dealing with something serious, however, like a child who is struggling with addiction, does there come a point where you just have to tell everyone to shut it?
Most of these people are probably well-meaning, especially if they’re family or close friends. If someone has personal experience with addiction, then you might actually want to hear their opinion, but everyone else is probably giving you the hypothetical “here’s what I’d do if it was MY child,” as though by virtue of having produced offspring, they’re qualified to speak on every possible subject.
So what can you do? One obvious answer is to avoid spending too much time around critical people, especially if all it’s doing is adding to an already stressful situation. It can be hard, especially if it’s someone you’re very close to, but you’re not going to be able to help your child if you’re too busy trying to tamp down your rage at interfering family members. For instance, if your mother invites you to dinner every Sunday and then proceeds to critique your parenting skills for two hours, you might have to decline at least some of the time. You can try talking to the person first, and saying “I’d love to come to visit, but all we do is talking about negative things, and I could really use some time to relax.” Maybe they’ll understand and cut back on the advice next time. If not, put your foot down and hang in there until they’re willing to accept that they’re hurting you.
If it’s someone that you don’t want to lose from your life but aren’t quite comfortable enough to issue an ultimatum to, you could always just say that you’d rather not discuss your child’s problems for some reason. Say that you feel like you’re violating his privacy, or that you spend enough time thinking about it and would rather talk about something fun. Having a planned response for these situations can help you keep your cool.
If you or a loved one need help with quitting drugs or alcohol, consider Asana Recovery. We offer medical detox, along with both residential and outpatient programs, and you’ll be supervised by a highly trained staff of medical professionals, counselors, and therapists. Call us any time at (949) 438-4504 to get started.
