It’s always terrible when someone dies before their time, but in many ways the manner of death can make the resulting feelings even more painful and complicated. If a person dies protecting someone else, we celebrate their life as a hero. If an individual loses a long battle with cancer, we talk about how brave they were to hang in there for so long. An accident can leave us reeling and asking “why?” and “what if?” When someone we know dies of a drug overdose, however, suddenly people who had never even met them are coming out of the woodwork and shaking their heads, making judgments, and sharing completely uninformed opinions.
Some people – those who have never struggled with addiction themselves or seen it up close – like to proselytize about how drug use in general is so terrible and wasteful, and how could the overdose victim do such a thing to his family. It’s easy to judge when you have no idea what’s happening in someone else’s brain. And yes, that addict did make some bad choices, or failed to make good ones, in terms of never seeking treatment, but to reduce their entire existence to “what a waste” is a disservice.
Those who were closest to the deceased often feel guilt, as though they didn’t do enough to prevent it. They might feel as if people are judging them, even if no one says anything to their faces. For example, parents of an addict who have enabled him for years look back and wonder if they should have cut him off or sent him away. There are some parents who – either out of embarrassment or a misguided sense of responsibility – look the other way time and again as their child steals money and items from them to pay for drugs. They can’t stand the thought of their child in jail, or of everyone knowing their problems, so they try to push it under a rug.
There’s no easy answer here. Maybe those parents should have exercised some tough love and let their kid spend a stretch in jail. Maybe they should have tried to stage an intervention. No one can ever know what might have been. The only thing we can do, as the friends and loved ones left behind, is to remind ourselves that we have nothing to be ashamed of. If you didn’t force that first pill or syringe into someone’s hands, there’s no reason you should blame yourself. Unfortunately, overdose is all too common, and there are so many factors that go into addiction – genetic predispositions, environmental effects, mental health issues – that you simply can’t point to one thing you did or didn’t do as if it made all the difference.
Let yourself grieve. Talk to other people who have been through the same thing, find a support group, go to church – whatever you do, don’t let guilt and anger fester, for the sake of the people that you do have left.
If you or a loved one need help with quitting drugs or alcohol, consider Asana Recovery. We offer medical detox, along with both residential and outpatient programs, and you’ll be supervised by a highly trained staff of medical professionals, counselors, and therapists. Call us any time at (949) 438-4504.
